Bare Your Navel,
It's an Aguilera Christmas
Oh, sure, I realize that there are certain obstacles to overcome if I’m going to have a successful Christmas album. For one, there’s the intricate marketing plan required for a holiday release. Also, who will I get to write the liner notes? And then there’s my complete lack of musical ability.
Still, I just can’t resist. After all, everybody’s doing it. Rosie O’Donnell has two albums on the Christmas charts, and when she sings she sounds like a reindeer who got its antlers stuck in the sleigh rudders. So when it comes to Christmas music, clearly there’s room for everybody.
Just look at some of the other stars who’ve released Christmas albums lately. Lynyrd Skynyrd has one out this year, although unfortunately they’re still celebrating a Christmas that occurred sometime during the Nixon administration. Martha Stewart also has a holiday CD, and come January she’ll show you how to use it as part of a Fortuny-inspired stenciled tablecloth.
One of the biggest holiday albums this year is by teen superstar Christina Aguilera, who does some standards like "Angels We Have Heard On High" and "O Holy Night" — both songs not traditionally sung by people in see-through mesh halter tops with their navels showing. Well, except for Luciano Pavarotti one crazy night in Interlaken, but that’s a story for another day.
Even the stars of NBC television shows have gotten into the act, with "NBC Celebrity Christmas." I haven’t heard this one yet, but if it involves Tim Russert singing "Here We Come A-Wassailing," I’m switching to "Face the Nation."
Anyway, I figure if these albums can get made, mine is a shoo-in. I have a lot of experience with Christmas music; most notably when I worked in my father’s clothing store as a teen, where I was responsible for changing the holiday 8-tracks to best ensure the customers’ shopping pleasure. For those of you too young to remember, 8-tracks combined the quality of an LP with the sleek design of a Galapagos tortoise.
Unfortunately, one by one my father’s rickety 8-tracks went to that great cutout bin in the sky, leaving us with an ever-dwindling holiday collection. This continued until one day all that was left was Bing Crosby’s "Merry Christmas." If you think Bing’s voice was soothing, try listening to "Christmas In Killarney" for 10 hours a day; it got to the point that if Bing had walked into the store to buy handkerchiefs I would have strangled him with his sweater.
My plan is to put all of this experience into my own holiday recording; in fact, I’ve already decided on certain songs I won’t include. For instance, I’ll avoid "Ding Dong Merrily on High," because it’s a well-known fact within the recording industry that songs with the phrase "Ding Dong" in them are rarely hits.
Also, I’ll steer clear of "Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer," which for some reason never really appealed to me. Although it seems there are millions of people who find the concept of an elderly woman being trampled to death hilarious, so what do I know? Ho ho ho.
Instead, I think I’ll follow the lead of one of my favorite Christmas albums, Dean Martin’s "Making Spirits Bright." I still say that "Silent Night" is never quite so moving as when it’s sung by a man pretending to be intoxicated.
I realize that approach is not as cutting edge or hip as, say, Kenny G.’s, but call me a traditionalist. I’ll be happy if the record brings even a few people some holiday joy while they’re trimming their tree, lighting their menorah, eating their Kwaanza pie or going door to door trying to convert their neighbors into Jehovah’s Witnesses.
Also, some big fat royalty checks would certainly come in handy. Not for me personally, of course — all proceeds would go to charity. I’d start with singing lessons for Rosie O’Donnell.