Living off the
trans fat of the land
The latest nominee for that list is trans fatty acids, known to all the hip devourers of artery-blocking death globules as “trans fats.” They’ve been in the news lately because the FDA has proclaimed they will soon have to be listed on food packages, which we as Americans will read with interest as we voraciously ingest whatever’s inside like a Tasmanian devil devouring a wallaby.
Because let’s face it: We don’t, as a rule, pay much attention to nutrition labels, or warning labels of any kind — if we did people wouldn’t ever smoke, gain weight or stick their tongues into hair dryers. In fact, we consider it a constitutional right to endanger ourselves if we so choose; this is something our founding fathers would have defended even if they’d known we’d someday be gorging ourselves on processed cheese blocks the size of anvils.
But believe it or not, there is a company out there that claims the “clock is ticking” on french fries, doughnuts, cookies and other foods high in trans fats. FiberGel Technologies thinks that once those nutrition labels hit the stands, people are going to be clamoring for a trans fat alternative, preferably one that doesn’t lead to a heightened terror alert level in your lower intestine.
That’s where FiberGel’s zero-calorie fat replacement, Z-Trim, comes in. Made from corn bran, it supposedly reduces trans and saturated fats and calories up to 50 percent when added to recipes such as “Z-Trim Lasagna,” which, it’s worth noting, still contains 2 pounds of ricotta cheese. This reminds me of something fitness guru Jack LaLanne once said: “You can’t go wrong with 2 pounds of ricotta cheese.”
To drive their point home, FiberGel sent me some free samples, including Z-Trim brownies, salad dressing and a bottle of Z-Trim to add to my own favorite dishes. Unfortunately, I first thought the raw Z-Trim was the dressing and I almost slathered my salad with it, which would have probably caused my stomach to congeal to the size of a change purse. I did try a small sample of it, though, and believe it or not, it tasted just like chicken! If chickens were made out of chalk.
The Z-trim papaya seed salad dressing was tasty, however, and as for the brownies, my co-workers declared that — though “vaguely artificial” and “oddly granular” (the brownies, not the co-workers) — they did in fact “taste like brownies.” This is a huge improvement over, say, the Snackwells fat-free brownies of the late ’90s, which tasted like brownie-shaped squares of vinyl.
I should mention also that both products bore the slogan, “Don’t Worry, Eat Happy,” which we can only hope and pray is somehow resulting in royalty dollars for Bobby McFerrin.
But just as I was preparing to trade in my trans fats for Z-Trim, I noticed another press release on my desk that asked, “Is your diet driving you crazy?” According to Dr. Udo Erasmus, author of “Fats that Heal, Fats that Kill” (which I believe was also the title of a Russ Meyer movie), restricting fat intake can actually impair cognitive function. And I think he must be right: That’s the only possible explanation as to why I was considering giving up doughnuts.
I suppose like everything else, the best solution would be to exercise moderation — have a varied diet that includes some papaya seed Z-Trim dressing, some ricotta cheese, some low-fat brownies and the occasional trans-fatty food, like an entire box of munchkins eaten in my car while no one is looking. But that doesn’t mean there aren’t some things I would give up altogether.
For instance, from now on I’m keeping my tongue out of the hair dryer.