But They Seemed
So Happy and Famous ...
Fr: Peter Chianca
Re: My decline in performance
In response to my recent poor performance review, I’d like to offer the following explanation for my flagging work ethic, my decline in productivity and my tendency to babble incoherently during staff meetings.
I could blame these things on personal problems or health issues, but in reality they stem from something much more troubling, something that no thinking, feeling human being could help but be disturbed about, to the point of missing multiple days of work and absent-mindedly stapling my co-workers.
I’m talking about ... Tom and Nicole.
Breaking up.
It hurts me even to type it.
After all, how could it have happened? She was so tall and Australian ... He was so short and toothy ... They were the perfect couple. They were like a modern-day Steve and Edie, except with a much better wardrobe.
Who could tell that trouble lay ahead when we saw them canoodling at the race track in "Days of Thunder," or canoodling on the open prairies of Oklahoma in "Far and Away," or canoodling naked in front of that mirror in "Eyes Wide Shut"? They seemed so happy — well, except in "Eyes Wide Shut," where they seemed freakish and disturbed. But I figured that just showed what good actors they were.
Who can blame me for being distracted? My world is shattered, like a piece of glass thrown from something high, like a building. I’m tormented by a frightening thought: If the role model for celebrity couples can decide to go its separate ways, who’s next? Kurt and Goldie? Michael and Catherine Zeta? Bill and Hillary? The mind reels.
Excuse me, I have to take a Xanax.
OK.
I realize my latest work problems come on the heels of the incident last summer in which I set fire to the raffle prizes at the company barbecue. But as I explained at the time, it had been mere weeks since the Dennis Quaid/Meg Ryan split. I was still feeling a hurt that cut deep inside, like when you accidentally stab yourself with a meat thermometer.
After all, hadn’t she helped him through rehab? Hadn’t he helped her through "Hanging Up"? Weren’t they so cute and perky together, except for when he was loaded on coke and later, when she was cheating on him with Russell Crowe?
Russell Crowe! The worst part about that situation is, Russell said recently that he broke up with Meg to spend more time on his cattle ranch in New Zealand. So he picked his cows — cows! — over the effervescent star of "When Harry Met Sally." Surely you can see why I took three personal days to let this piece of news sink in.
At least Tom and Nicole weren’t broken up via some sordid co-star fling. No, it was their careers that came between them, their desire to please us, the movie-going public. A lesser couple might have stopped working for a while to concentrate on their relationship, considering they were zillionaires and also had two children whom they saw sometimes, but not Tom and Nicole.
Their public needed them more than they needed each other.
I think I’m going to cry.
Anyway, I’m sure I’m not the only person who ran from the office upon hearing of the breakup, only to show up four days later unshaven and smelling of cooking sherry. Surely Johnson down in accounting went on at least a two-day bender; I happen to know he owns "Days of Thunder" on DVD.
Regardless, I promise that, as hard as it may be, from here on out I will try to put Tom and Nicole behind me and concentrate on my work. If they can move on, I suppose I can too.
But I’ll warn you now. If you hear any rumblings about John Travolta and Kelly Preston, you may want to start hiding the staplers.