Saddam Should
Try a Little Tenderness
I’m referring of course to the Belgian mayor who created a "Department of Tenderness" to encourage people to be nicer to one another. It’s a brilliant idea, yet one that has yet to be implemented in the U.S.; this could be because it would need support from John Ashcroft, and his idea of a tender moment is being granted permission to conduct indiscriminate wiretapping.
According to Antoine Denert, the man behind the idea, "People don’t cuddle anymore and that’s the reason why there are so many conflicts." It’s true … If Saddam had been on the receiving end of an affectionate nuzzle or two, he might never have become a dictator and today would be giving out flowers in an airport in Kuala Lumpur.
For that reason, we should make sure (without regime building, natch) that the new Iraqi government has a Department of Tenderness. Or if that’s too much for them right out of the gate, maybe we can do it gradually — start off with a Department of Stoicism, move to a Department of General Affection and work up to a Department of Tenderness over a period of, say, 10-15 years. (Note to rebuilding team: Department of Oppression, out.)
Meanwhile, the U.S. should set an example by starting its own Department of Tenderness. I’m thinking we go all out, with an official theme song ("Tenderness" by General Public or "Try a Little Tenderness" come to mind, although "The Tender Trap" could work too), and a really good tenderness ambassador. Maybe Luther Vandross — a half-hour in a room with Luther and not only will people be nicer, they’ll be a hell of a lot smoother with the ladies.
Once that’s established, I envision a whole series of new government departments, all of which could fall under the umbrella of a newly appointed Secretary of Abstract Concepts. For instance:
· Department of Euphoria, to make sure we’re all doing our best to be REALLY HAPPY.
· Department of Ennui, to deal with the blahs.
· Department of Irony, so we’re prepared to roll with it when, despite everyone’s best intentions, the current administration makes the exact same stupid mistakes that bunches of previous administrations did.
Granted, it may be tough to end hatred just by institutionalizing nicer behavior, but a lot of it would depend on the execution. For example, Mayor Denert of Belgium told the Ananova news service that he will personally "set an example …by caressing, cuddling and kissing as many people as possible." How Clinton failed to come up with this idea during his eight years in office is beyond me.
I know it would take a while before a Department of Tenderness could make enough progress to stop a war, much less do something really difficult, like get President Bush and Michael Moore to hug and share a latte. But you’ve got to start somewhere, and you could do a lot worse than employing a little more tenderness in your life.
Although a quick suggestion to you Marines out there: If you get close enough to Saddam, it’s probably too late to try nuzzling. Just stick with Plan A.