Despite cuts,
schools in super shape
Sept. 1, 2004
Dear Parents:
I’d like to take this opportunity to welcome you and your children back for another school year. As you know, the school department has had to scale back this year due to cuts in state funding. However, I’d like to reassure you that your children will receive the same quality education that you’ve come to expect from this school district, just less of it.
Because of the concerns I’ve heard from parents, many of whom have taken the time to call me, e-mail my office or drop letters off through my window from their moving vehicles, I thought it would be appropriate to address several specific issues that seem to be on people’s minds:
1) Class size. As you’ve probably heard, the district was regrettably forced to lay off several teachers this year, resulting in classes that are somewhat larger than we typically prefer. However, as the “inclusion” model has shown, students learn from their peers — so you can only imagine how much they’ll learn when they have 40 or 50 peers sharing a classroom with them! As for the parents who’ve expressed concern about space in the classrooms, you’ll be happy to hear that we’ve installed special stools outside the windows for students too large to move between the desks.
2) Technology. As you know, in modern society a grasp of technology is vital to academic success. Unfortunately, incorporating technology into our classrooms has been difficult, given that most of our school buildings were built in the early ’20s, the only improvements coming in 1976 when we painted the cinderblock walls orange. However, I’m happy to report that a recent donation has allowed for the purchase of more than two dozen used Texas Instruments TI-99/4A computers. The best feature about these machines is that they are too old to provide access to the Internet, meaning your children will continue to have limited exposure to pornography during school hours.
3) User fees. Although budget cuts threatened to eliminate after-school sports all together, the recent discovery of almost $4,000 extra in our special education account has allowed us to hire a band of local vagrants to coach our varsity sports teams. The rest of our expenses — uniforms, insurance, hazing supplies — will come through thoughtfully considered, reasonable user fees: $11,000 per student per sport for the first child, and only $10,800 per student per sport for each additional child. Some scholarships may be made available should we discover that the rich kids don’t play football that well.
4) Activities. The following extracurricular activities have been temporarily suspended pending the outcome of several planned fund-raisers, such as October’s PTA Beer-A-Thon: Band, orchestra, chorus, drama, student newspaper, Spanish Club, French Club and all other clubs pertaining to foreign countries, photography, Student Council, Chess Club, Math Club and all other clubs pertaining to “nerds,” and forensics. We will maintain the National Honor Society, as long as it incurs no expenses; members are urged to just sit around and be smart. Cheerleading will continue as usual.
5) Pledge of Allegiance. Unfortunately, there is no money in this year’s budget to allow for the daily recitation of the Pledge of Allegiance. Sorry.
6) MCAS tests. I can assure you that this school district will continue its efforts to prepare all students for this very important exam. In fact, the elimination of music, physical education and social studies will help to ensure that students have plenty of time to slog through as many practice tests as possible. However, during the actual exam, by no means will we secretly give tests back to students if a cursory review of them leads us to believe they could do better. Other questions on that subject may be referred to my attorney.
In closing, I thank you for your patience and assure you that, despite these tough times, I am personally doing everything I can to earn my astronomical salary. In the meantime, please contact your state representatives and urge them to approve additional school funding. You can call me for the exact location of their windows.
Sincerely,
Your Superintendent