When it Comes to Dieting,
The Eyes Have It
Thus, they’ve holed up somewhere in England, presumably with huge piles of fish and chips, and devoted themselves to reporting such actual stories as “Alleged robber attacks judge with slippers.” This is news you need to know, as opposed to, say, the entire “Health/Science” section of the Boston Globe: Enough with all the diagrams of the double helix already.
Anyway, I recently stumbled across an Ananova headline that I knew could help me, and by extension my readers (meaning, the people who accidentally glance down and spot this column while looking at the editorial cartoon), live a healthier and happier life. Yes, I’m referring to “Solar-powered Indian man says he doesn’t need food.”
I know what you’re thinking: Can this really be true? Is there an actual man walking around India who has strapped solar panels to himself rather than eat? And if so, doesn’t he realize how much pork vindaloo he’s missing out on?
The answer is, sort of. There is such a man, but rather than use solar panels — which have a proven track record but work better on roofs than on Indian men — this individual absorbs the solar energy by looking directly into the sun. Although somehow I doubt the Indian Ophthalmologic Society has given him the thumbs up on this.
“After a few days of practice,” says Ratan Manek, 65, “you will feel the energy entering the body through the eyes.” It sounds far-fetched, but apparently it works: By all accounts, Manek has not eaten anything resembling solid food since 1995, a feat unmatched outside of Lara Flynn Boyle.
As someone whose dieting plans are constantly stymied by the fact that food exists, I’m thinking Mr. Manek may be on to something. In fact, I figure it’s only a matter of time before overweight people the world over are standing on hillsides at sunrise, staring into the sky until their corneas resemble Canadian bacon.
Even if you can get past the whole staring-into-the-sun problem, though, I’m concerned that being solar powered could have other disadvantages. For one, there’s the fact that sunlight, no matter how it’s absorbed, will never taste as good as a Twinkie, and I’m confident there have been studies to back me up on that.
Also, what if you go through long stretches where it’s not sunny? The entire population of Seattle could wind up cranky and lethargic. I mean more than it is already.
But it sounds like ditching food in favor of rays may be worth it. According to Mr. Manek, “Solar energy absorbed through the eyes eliminates mental illness, physical illness, spiritual ignorance and makes life happy and peaceful.” Incidentally, when he says “mental illness, physical illness, spiritual ignorance,” I’m assuming he’s referring to “embarrassing love handles.”
Rather than jumping right into daily sungazing and going eight years without food, though, I figure I’ll work up to it — probably starting with shooting the sun some sideways glances, or perhaps the occasional winsome look, while at the same time giving up only some solid food. I’m thinking lettuce.
Then, if that doesn’t work, I’m going to attack my refrigerator with slippers.