Radio-controlled Critters?
Rat's the ticket!
According to a recent Reuters article, scientists have been able to use radio waves to get rats, who would much rather be kicking back in subway tunnels, to perform elaborate tasks. At the same time, these signals stimulate the pleasure centers of their brains, so they think they enjoy doing these tasks. It’s not unlike the strange, unexplained force that draws men to golf.
Needless to say, the repercussions of this research are extremely exciting. For instance, just think of the things we’ll be privy to that our ancestors only dreamed of. Rat stewardesses. Rats addressing Rotary Clubs. The inevitable rat-only productions of “Barefoot in the Park.” The mind reels.
That’s still a ways off, though. For now, the researchers say the rats could be used to find victims trapped in buildings after earthquakes. As if earthquake victims want to look up and see a platoon of rats with backpacks and antennae sticking out of their heads — they’d think they died and woke up in a Roger Corman movie.
I also can’t help but think that the people behind this project have other uses in mind. I say this because one of its backers is the Department of Defense — it’s a safe bet they wouldn’t be interested unless they envisioned being able to send thousands of little radio-controlled rats into battle, each of them carrying a little rat machine gun and smoking a little rat stogie.
I’ll have to admit, I’m conflicted about this. On the one hand, it’s about time these rats got off their keisters and contributed something to society. On the other, the concept is a little unsettling, in that way that attempts at mind-altering brain control tend to be.
In fact, the project raises an important question: Is it ethical for science to force a rat to do something it doesn’t really want to do? Of course, given that it’s been known to force feed rats potato chips until they get cancer or explode, science is probably not losing a lot of sleep over that one.
But what if they used this technology on higher animals? For instance, I have a dog. When I tell this dog to get my slippers, she licks me and then goes outside to eat a garden troll. But if my dog was radio-controlled, she could not only get me my slippers, she could go to the store and purchase me an entire wardrobe, although I’m not sure where she’d keep her wallet.
The problem is, as attractive as that sounds, it could eventually lead to using this technology in humans. This is something humans need to avoid, particularly husband humans, who should worry if they start to feel really good about the idea of sponge painting the bathroom.
No, as tempting as it is to follow science’s lead and use mind control to solve all society’s problems, I think in the end it would be better if we did it the old-fashioned way — through mood-altering drugs. We can start by using them to cure golf.