Who Could Have
Predicted? Not Me
· “I predict a strong upturn in the economy, so buy stocks now! You can’t go wrong with such business stalwarts as Enron, Tyco and WorldCom.”
OK, admittedly I was a little off base here. But for all of you who put your life savings into the aforementioned companies after reading my predictions, only to see them tank, remember, it could have been worse: You could have had your 401Ks with them as well.
· “Expect ‘Spider-Man’ and ‘Attack of the Clones’ to do OK at the box office, but I predict 2002 will be the ‘Year of the Murph’ — Eddie Murphy, that is, who could very well have the top three movies of the year with ‘I Spy,’ ‘Showtime’ and ‘The Adventures of Pluto Nash.’”
How Mr. Murphy managed to let me down so spectacularly on this particular prediction is beyond me. Not that I wound up seeing any of the movies in question — nobody saw them — but they looked so good on the posters. Particularly “Pluto Nash,” where he’s wearing that hilarious space suit.
· “This will be the year President George W. Bush and Iraqi leader Saddam Hussein finally resolve their differences, and end the year together at a café in Bhamdoun splitting an order of humus and tabouli.”
Wow, I really botched this one. Maybe it was wishful thinking, but I couldn’t help but hope these two might finally patch things up. Or wait, maybe I was thinking of Tom and Nicole.
· “The Patriots will flame out in the playoffs, leading coach Bill Belichick to jettison whippersnapper quarterback Tom Brady in favor of old-timer Drew Bledsoe, who will lead the Pats to victory in 2003.”
Well, I’m sure Drew Bledsoe wishes it went this way.
· “Locally, a Swift-Guerriero ticket will roar triumphantly into the State House. Meanwhile, oft-mentioned gubernatorial candidate Mitt Romney will remain in Utah, where he will develop a musical called ‘Romney!’ for the Eccles Center for the Performing Arts in Park City.”
Granted, the thing about the musical was a long shot, but I still think it sounds like a good idea (although maybe “Mitt!” would be a better title). But I thought for sure that Swift and Guerriero would waltz into office, given how they tied up the ever-important mother-of-twins/gay Republican vote.
· “Ex-president and diplomat Jimmy Carter will pass on, while Wendy’s founder Dave Thomas will win the Nobel Peace Prize.”
Damn! You can’t get much closer than that.
· “Jennifer Lopez will quit show business to stay home and raise the many children she plans to have with her devoted husband and love of her life, dancer/choreographer Cris Judd.”
This one also didn’t pan out, but let’s face it, who could have predicted that marriage wouldn’t last? (By the way, please disregard last year’s predictions about Nicolas Cage/Lisa Marie Presley and Angelina Jolie/Billy Bob Thornton as well. Thanks.)
· “Senate Majority Leader Trent Lott will get up at the 100th birthday party for Strom Thurmond and wax nostalgically about the good old days before desegregation, whereupon he’ll be forced to go on BET to apologize before finally giving up his position in disgrace.”
Frankly, even I didn’t think this one would happen.
· “The largest Powerball jackpot in U.S. history will be awarded to a struggling newspaper columnist on the North Shore of Massachusetts.”
’Nuff said.