Winter Olympics
Unfair to the Flabby
From: Peter Chianca
Re: A complaint
Dear "Mitt:"
I’ve been watching these so-called "Winter Olympics" a lot lately, and I have to say that I am shocked and dismayed. And not just because NBC seems to have ordered all of its news anchors to dress entirely in fleece.
It seems to me that these "games" are blatantly discriminatory. In fact, in more than a week of competition, I have yet to see one participant who is overweight, uncoordinated or flabby. In short, there’s no one who bears even a passing resemblance to myself.
In fact, I was horrified to discover that in order to participate, you have to pass a series of "trials" that seem expressly designed to keep people like me out. It’s as if the athletes are saying, "We don’t need your kind," as they turn up their highly toned noses and spin their firmly shaped buttocks in my general direction.
At least, I thought, the games started out OK, allowing regular folks to carry the Olympic torch. But then I found out that in order to qualify as a torch bearer, you had to have an "inspirational story." This policy clearly discriminates against those of us whose stories are more humdrum; say, the people who overcame dandruff, or a plate of bad clams.
But the most offensive aspect of the Olympics is the events themselves, which — and I have heard this off the record from several sources — purposely exclude people who don’t know how to snowboard, how to ski and shoot a rifle at the same time, or what "curling" is.
With that in mind, I demand that the following events be added to the Winter Olympics in 2006, so that people like me might have a chance of participating:
· Men’s Individual Freestyle Sweater Wearing. Participants must wear cardigan, ski and turtleneck models alternately, to musical accompaniment (for example, "Fernando," by ABBA). Extra points for emulating the woolen aura of "Today" show host Matt Lauer.
· Mommy-Daddy Combined Sprint. On the first day, participants must jump over piles of blocks, a talking Winnie the Pooh doll and 3,000 broken crayons in order to catch a pacifier before it hits the ground. On the second day, they must chase a toddler who, upon being removed from her snowsuit, has squirmed free of her diaper and is tearing around the house yelling "No potty! No potty!"
· Speed scraping. Participants must scrape, in quick succession, the windows of a compact car, a sedan and an SUV, without use of rear defrost, then drive 1,000 meters with a bad wiper and no washer fluid. (I have to admit, Mitt, that I’m basically a shoo-in in this event; I once was trapped in Woburn and had to scrape an entire Ford Tempo with a plastic fork.)
· Plunge. One plunger. A dozen stopped-up toilets. Fifteen seconds to beat the world’s record. You do the math.
If the Olympic Committee fails to meet these demands, I’ll have no choice but to file a discrimination lawsuit, and I have a feeling there are more than a few pudgy, klutzy non-skiers who would be more than willing to sign on. Meanwhile, I’ll stay glued to the Olympic coverage, looking for other infractions.
For instance, did you know the Mormon Tabernacle Choir only lets in people who can sing? I’m getting on that one next.