Nude, Where's My Car?
As it turns out, though, I’ve been suffering needlessly. At least according to Dave Wolz. As you may have read, the Iowa man got around this common traveling dilemma by driving 15,000 miles in the nude last year. This brings to mind several questions, including:
· Does his car have leather seats? And if so, did he have to travel with a spatula?
· How does this hobby work vis a vis his mother’s requests to always wear clean underwear in case he gets in an accident?
· Is paying at the pump simply out of the question?
Thankfully, none of these issues hindered Mr. Wolz from reaching his goal. "On Monday, Dec. 17, 2001, at about 9:50 a.m., just north of mile marker 98 on Interstate 39 in Illinois, I reached my goal of 15,000 miles driving naked," he told the Des Moines Register. No word yet on whether they’ll erect a statue there to mark the achievement.
Still, if Mr. Wolz really wants to further the nudism agenda, naked driving is just a start. In fact, I think more people need to take up the gauntlet thrown down by Mr. Wolz and partake in some truly ambitious naked activities in 2002.
Therefore, I hereby pledge to do the following things naked between now and December:
Attend 100 movies. The hard part here will be getting through the lobby, although given the flashing lights, 150-decibel movie trailers and huge pictures of Tom Cruise’s face in the typical Loews foyer, I’ll probably garner fairly little attention. And once inside the theater it will get easier, because it’s dark and I can camouflage myself via creative placement of my Goobers.
Serve 200 subpoenas. This will be especially challenging, because first I’ll have to get a job as a process server without being related to anybody in the sheriff’s department. Then I’ll have to come up with a creative way to serve them, given that most people will run away if they spot a man approaching with his subpoena in plain view.
Address 300 Rotary Clubs. The trick here isn’t so much the speech, given that most Rotary Clubs employ very nice podiums. I’d be more concerned about the meal — attend 300 Rotary luncheons and you’re bound to spill the gravy eventually.
Maybe once I get through all those, I’ll be ready to join the ranks of the Australian sheep shearers. According to the Ananova news service, the shearers released a nude calendar this year in the hopes of enticing young women back to Australia’s remote farming communities. Because what could be more attractive to a young woman than a naked man who spends most of his time alone with sheep?
But I’ve got a lot of naked work to do before I reach that level. In the meantime, I can only hope that my efforts and those of Mr. Wolz will catch on with the general populace. To paraphrase Marx, naked people of the world unite — you have nothing to lose but your clothes!
And possibly some skin if you get out of your car too quickly.