Mom Gets Massaged
While Dad Gets Drilled
But while nothing can truly repay mothers the debt we owe them, you have to admit their Mother’s Day gifts are pretty lavish, when compared to what dads typically get. For instance, spa days: Why doesn’t anyone ever consider that Dad might also enjoy a sugar scrub, seaweed wrap, hydrating facial and full body massage? What better way to help alleviate the stress of not having any idea how to raise children?
Yet instead, we continue to receive power tools. This is the gift that says what every father truly longs to hear: “Isn’t it about time you drilled something?”
Which speaks to the central problem with Father’s Day gifts that don’t fall into the clothing accessory category (ties, socks, undershirts): They tend to insinuate that Dad better snap to it and start earning his keep around here. This is considered perfectly acceptable, whereas if you gave Mom, say, an ironing board, you would be immediately entered into a world-wide mother database as a guilt target.
Granted, I read recently that someone is trying to even things out a bit by marketing tools as Mother’s Day gifts now. But they’re “tools for women,” which come in a multi-colored plastic case with neat little compartments and a cute strap to carry it by. “My tools stand up to any man’s tools from a quality standpoint,” says creator Barbara Kavovit, “but they look great and are so much more exciting!” And she’s right; I’m getting a little tingle just looking at them.
But again, dads are left out of the loop. They’re made just for moms, but who says I wouldn’t want a tool kit like this? It would sure beat my dented old green toolbox, with no compartments at all — just a big maw into which I’ve heaved flotsam from every ill-fated household project I’ve ever attempted. (Whenever I look in it I’m surprised at some of the things I’ve left in there: light bulbs, vacuum cleaner belts … Recently I found a fork, leading me to believe that at one point, rather than fix something, I’d eaten it.)
Regardless, Barbara Kavovit aside, tools and similarly utilitarian items are definitely not typical Mother’s Day gifts. Instead they tend to fall more into the realm of tennis bracelets and silk pajamas; meanwhile, a press packet I received recently gave me a preview of the type of thing I, as a father, might expect come June 15. It was from “Rubberific Mulch,” and included an actual sample of mulch made out of recycled car tires. This has “Father’s Day Present” written all over it.
For some reason there’s the impression out there that fathers are just dying to get something “useful” as a gift, and that upon receiving, say, a big mound of Rubberific Mulch, he will not even stop to change out of his slippers (last year’s gift) before running into the yard to distribute piles of it to strategically chosen areas, and then drop his children onto the piles to demonstrate its effectiveness.
But lest it sound like I’m complaining, I’m here to let all you non-fathers in on a secret: The truth is that dads don’t really need ties, tools, yard care products or any of the other things stereotypically assigned to them each year in order to have a happy Father’s Day — and while a full body massage or silk pajamas would be nice, they don’t need those either. In fact, just like with mothers, a smile and a hug will probably do just fine.
Although I’ve reserved some extra space in my sock drawer, just in case.