How to Make Money
Without Really Trying
I’m sure this is why a couple of teens in Plantation, Fla. last week used their home computers to create $2,000 in counterfeit bills, which they then passed to an undercover Secret Service agent. The agent was tipped off immediately by the fact that the ersatz fifties were slightly off in color from real bills, and also I think they had a picture of Britney Spears where Ulysses S. Grant should have been.
This was only the latest in a series of cases nationwide involving teen counterfeiters, including ones that led to arrests last year in Hamilton and Gloucester. In the Gloucester case, a 17-year-old tried to pass a $5 bill that was printed on only one side. This speaks to the main obstacle teens have encountered in trying to launch successful counterfeiting operations — they’re morons.
Perhaps that’s a tad harsh. At the very least, they lack the sophistication that seasoned counterfeiters bring to this particular line of work. With that in mind, I would offer teens the following important advice: If you are considering a career in counterfeiting, please, please, try to get the Mafia involved.
Now, one might wonder what is causing this teen counterfeiting trend. A breakdown in moral education, perhaps? A lack of parental influence? An expanding ethical malaise? No, of course not. The correct answer is: violent video games.
At any rate, they’re certainly not helping the situation. In fact, violent video games can be blamed for almost anything, from high gas prices to that Sisqo character. (You know, Sisqo. He’s the guy who sings “The Thong Song” — “She had dumps like a truck, truck, truck, thighs like what, what, what, baby move your butt, butt, butt …”) Um … what was I just talking about?
Oh yes, counterfeiting. I lost my train of thought there for a second, no doubt the result of not having a computer as a child to help develop my concentration skills. This is but one of many unfortunate side effects of not growing up in the computer age, the most obvious one being that I was unable to fall back on counterfeiting as a source of extra income. That, and an inconvenient lack of access to pornography.
The good news was there were fewer violent video games back then; although we did have Pac Man, which I’m sure inspired many an eating disorder.
Anyway, as the alleged teen counterfeiters in Florida discovered, despite its educational component even counterfeiting can be a bad thing — particularly if you get caught. It can also easily lead to more serious crimes later in life, like Viagra smuggling.
I’m referring of course to the four Florida businessmen sentenced last week for trying to smuggle 70,000 doses of Viagra out of the country; they were caught in a sting operation coordinated by an undercover officer posing as a Russian mobster. With that in mind, I would offer businessmen the following important advice: If you are considering a career in Viagra smuggling, please, please, stick with the American Mafia.
Apparently the fake mobster made it very clear to the businessmen that he planned to sell the Viagra illegally to patrons at a Russian nightclub. This being the case, it seems to me the businessmen should have just tried selling the stuff to bars right there in Florida — in Palm Beach they might have even put it in the rest room dispensers instead of condoms.
What these two crimes have in common is that they would not be possible without certain scientific advancements. In the days before high-tech printers you had a lot fewer teen counterfeiters, and in the days before Viagra you had a lot fewer international pharmaceutical smugglers. Maybe this is a sign that we need to return to a simpler time, although presumably there are 70,000 impotent Russian nightclub patrons who’d disagree.
And also, if times were simpler we probably wouldn’t have “The Thong Song.” Which would be pretty what, what, what, if you ask me.