A Handy Guide
to Merger Madness
What is the name of the combined entity?
We’re glad you asked. Right now we’re leaning toward BayFleetBostonBankFinancialBank, which barely edged out our second choice, BayFleetBostonBankFinancialBank Bank. We’re very happy with the corporation’s new name, mainly because it will sound catchy on the new Red Sox stadium when we buy it: "BayFleetBostonBankFinancial Bank Stadium Bank." (We just threw in that last "bank" for the heck of it.)
What will happen to the money in my accounts when the banks merge?
In theory, nothing. In reality, it will probably wind up going toward some guy’s cable bill in Wellfleet.
How will this merger affect my branch?
Well, you’ve probably already noticed that the tellers have this glassy look in their eyes, like they have absolutely no idea what’s going on. This is a good indication that the merger is under way at your branch. Gradually the tellers will turn a sort of wan, pasty color, and eventually they’ll see you coming and run screaming from the building in a cloud of deposit slips. That’s when you’ll know the merger is complete! Then we’ll replace all the tellers with ATMs.
Speaking of ATMs, will this merger affect my ability to use them?
Not at all! Except that you won’t be able to make deposits, do transfers, pay off loans, check your balance or cash checks. But you can take out as much money as you like, for a small fee of $11.95 per transaction.
That doesn’t seem fair.
Shut up and do as you’re told.
Maybe this would be easier to understand if you just explained how this whole merger works.
Certainly. It’s very simple. We’ll be merging the banks using several phases, with the earlier banks being phased in first and the later banks being phased in later, with the exception of a few earlier banks that will be phased in later, and vice versa. If you opened your account in an early bank but now do your banking at a later bank, you may find that you have certain minor issues with your account, such as you can’t access it or take any money from it. However, when the later banks phase in with the earlier banks, something will happen. We’re not sure exactly what. Get back to us in a couple of weeks.
When I went to make a deposit in my bank the other day, I was told my account had been "sold" to Fleet. I felt so … used.
We encourage customers not to get caught up in the complicated banking terminology used in a business situation such as this. Merger, predatory corporate takeover — what does it matter what you call it, really, as long as you continue to get the service you’ve come to appreciate and expect from a tremendous institution that has no idea who you are.
What happens to my accounts if some were opened at a branch being sold and others were opened at a branch that is not being sold?
Woah — slow it down, cowboy! You’re giving us a headache here!
Well, what if I decide that this merger stuff isn’t for me? Can I easily close my accounts?
Of course! It’s not like we would divert your automatic loan payments into cyberspace, ruining your credit rating and likely resulting in the foreclosure of your house, car and possibly your children. We can unequivocally say that we would almost never do that.
That’s good, because I think I’d like to start doing my banking at my local bank.
Your local bank? Your local bank? Oh, that’s a good one. That’s rich. Yeah, you go right ahead and do that. Your local bank! I mean, please.
Um … You wouldn’t really do that, right?