Until we meat again ...
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In the months since the spread of mad cow disease in the U.S., followed by the unexpected discovery of annoyed pig pox and frustrated chicken syndrome, carnivores nationwide have been struggling to find a substitute for their beloved meat products. And to hear them tell it, it hasn’t been easy.
“I remember when I first heard, I thought, this is bad, but as long as I can still eat veal I’ll be OK,” said Heidi Smith, a meat-eater from Des Moines, Iowa. “Then someone told me that veal actually came from cows, and I cried for a week. Who knew?”
Smith is not alone in her tears. For a nation weaned on the likes of steak, sausage, venison and mutton — in some cases literally — the thought of a world without meat is enough to send almost anyone into the type of shock that can only be cured by a good cured ham.
“I’ll admit I’m still pretty shaky,” said Thomas Reynolds of South Bend, Ind., who had been known to eat cold-cut sandwiches for lunch, sometimes almost daily. “At first I would just bring a sandwich with lettuce and mustard and just pretend the ham was there, and say things like, ‘Mmm, this is good ham!’ and ‘Wow, that’s some ham!’ But after a while, you know ... it was just lettuce.”
Even more problematic has been the impact on businesses like McDonald’s and other fast-food establishments. “Obviously this hit us pretty hard,” said McDonald’s spokesman Ford McCallister. “I don’t know if you heard, but we’ve served over 6 billion hamburgers, and many of those were made almost entirely of meat.”
In the new, meat-free world, McDonald’s has tried to adapt by pushing its new combo meal, featuring a jumbo-size fries with a side order of medium-size fries. “That’s actually going over pretty well,” McCallister said.
The crisis has also spilled over to local businesses, like the recently renamed Hilltop Soyhouse in Saugus, Mass. “Believe it or not, most people have been very open to our new, all-soy menu,” said spokesman Mike Hardaway. “Occasionally we’ll get a guy from Revere who gags and spits his tofurger across the Soy City room, but most people will at least try it before going over to McDonald’s for the fries-and-fries combo.”
On the other hand, the demise of meat has been met in a decidedly upbeat manner by members of People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA), who reportedly went on a six-day bender during which they consumed nothing but grain alcohol and wheat-free, gluten-free, non-GMO organic cookies.
“We’re definitely excited,” said PETA’s Sally Potash, smiling broadly from under her “I Brake For Animals, But Not For You, You Meat-Eating Idiot” baseball cap. “Of course, it gives us less to do, but there are still plenty of fur wearers we can terrorize.”
No matter what the outcome of the current meat crisis, there’s no denying that the world has changed drastically; some people have reportedly even started eating vegetables. Meanwhile, the National Cattlemen’s Beef Association reports that many former meat industry employees have found new work, primarily at tobacco companies.
And as for the cows?
“Frankly, we’re relieved,” said Bessie, a Holstein from Grand Rapids, Mich. “On the other hand, since we’re not being kept in pens awaiting slaughter anymore, we have a lot of free time. We can’t do needlepoint — you know, the opposable thumbs thing — so a lot of us turned to community theater.”
A cows-only production of “Barefoot in the Park”? Only in America.
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It was then I woke up in a cold sweat, and went to the kitchen for some leftover boneless round rump roast to calm my nerves. Only when I opened the fridge, all I found were ... organic cookies!
Cue blood-curdling scream here.