Wives Really Are
Crazy in Love
Dear wives:
I’m writing to tell you, on behalf of your husbands, that we are not trying to drive you crazy. It’s just that we can’t help it. It’s science.
I’m referring of course to a recent study published in the Journal of Epidemiology and Community Health, which said women who stay single enjoy much better mental health than women who get married. But before you all exclaim “Ah-ha!” and give your husbands exultant dope slaps, let me explain.
First of all, I know this theory contradicts the perception that women feel they are not “complete” unless they have a husband, whereas men, given their druthers, would always prefer to be alone on a horse in the desert, smoking unfiltered cigarettes. The reality, of course, is that single women are doing just fine, whereas men without wives to take care of them are always precariously close to turning into hobo clowns.
The fact is, we men become much happier after we get married, because it allows our brains to delete all knowledge of simple household functions. Take me, for instance. During the 29 years I was single I must have done dozens, if not several dozen, loads of laundry. But the minute I got married and my wife took over clothes-washing duties, I not only forgot how to do it, I was convinced the clean clothes were being teleported into my drawers by magical laundry fairies.
But ladies, I want to point out that this is not being insensitive; rather it’s a natural, biological response men have in order to improve their own mental health. It makes us feel better to know that the little things, like housekeeping and raising the children, are being taken care of, so we can concentrate on the thing that most holds a family together: professional football.
Not to mention, most husbands are very busy working. Yes, we know that you’re probably working too, but it’s harder for us, because we’re far more likely to be morons.
Unfortunately for you wives, it seems this little male mental health helper has the side effect of making your mental health worse, or at least making you long for the days when you were single and independent and had a big “M” on your wall, like Mary Tyler Moore. But it’s not like husbands are completely useless. After all, without us you wouldn’t ... I mean you couldn’t ... Somebody help me out here.
I should also mention the study’s findings don’t necessarily mean that getting married is bad; it’s just marrying men that’s bad. This is probably worth noting in the whole gay marriage debate — don’t be surprised to see straight women marrying each other, just to avoid ever having to deal with a guy who just tracked motor oil on the white carpeting after spending four hours unsuccessfully attempting to repair a rider mower that, in actuality, was out of gas.
The reason I’m writing, though, is because I have good news. I’ve talked to the other husbands, and we’ve agreed to drive you less crazy in the future, as long as it doesn’t involve cleaning more, watching less sports or ceasing to badger you for lovin’. In the meantime, you should think about driving us a little more crazy. Try leaving your clothes around for us to trip on, or driving like a maniac for no reason, or going to the store for milk and instead coming home with five different varieties of mini-doughnuts.
Um ... On second thought, don’t. That would be really annoying.