The Hooters are coming
That’s right, if the “Hooters” chain takes up residence in Saugus as it plans to, the restaurant may become as much a part of Route 1 as Prince Pizza and the Hilltop, except instead of plastic cows it will have “Hooter Girls.” Take that as you may.
A public hearing is planned for the near future, wherein Hooters representatives will no doubt explain to skeptical residents how Hooters will fit right in here in Saugus, using such arguments as “The restaurant’s name has absolutely nothing to do with the female anatomy,” and, “OK, so what if it does?”
You do have to admit that whoever came up with the name “Hooters” is some kind of marketing genius. It has just the right amount of punch — more subtle than “Gazungas” but not quite as pretentious as, simply, “Breasts” (as in, “Let’s go down to Breasts for a few beers”). I can think of no better name for the establishment, with the possible exception of “Yabbos.”
Never having actually eaten at a Hooters, I will not pass judgment on its suitability as a family restaurant (as in, “Let’s go down to Hooters for a few beers, Grandma”). No, the restaurant may be perfectly fit for family consumption, assuming your family consists primarily of horny men between the ages of 18 and 49.
What seems to concern people about Hooters, though, is the connotation of the name itself. The PR people may say otherwise, but detractors have a point — even though the waitresses have “hooting” owls on their tight, tiny T-shirts, it’s almost impossible not to notice what is protruding perceptibly from behind said owls.
This, of course, begs the question, does Gloria Steinem know about this? (As in, “Let’s go down to Hooters for a few beers, and to discuss the implications of the feminist movement.”)
Still, despite the obvious drawbacks to having a Hooters in Saugus (for instance, its town parade floats might draw too much attention away from the high school marching bands), there are ways to incorporate the establishment into the fabric of the community in a positive fashion. To wit:
· Saugus could change the names of its high school athletic teams to “The Hooters,” and bring in Hooter Girls as cheerleaders. That way, if they lost, no one would notice.
· We could get the restaurant to sponsor some capital improvement projects, and name them in its honor; i.e., local parks could be renamed “Hooter Field”; Kids could get a fine education in the “Hooter Memorial School”; and municipal government could relocate to “Hooter Hall” (as in, “Let’s go down to Hooter Hall and get our dog license renewed, and have a few beers.”)
· The restaurant could provide a “Hooters Scholarship,” to be awarded to the girl with the biggest ... uh ... brain.
Granted, certain “traditionalists” may say Hooters is a sexist establishment that objectifies women and indulges in archaic, unacceptable stereotypes, and that “Hooter Girls” is an outdated term; admittedly, “Hooter Women” would be much more appropriate.
Still, we mustn’t forget the aforementioned positive aspects of making Saugus “Home of the Hooters.” All of those things are possible, and much more. In the final analysis, I say we should embrace Hooters with open arms.
Um ... Figuratively, that is.