A three-hour tour de force
But this was until I heard about what is probably the best idea, not just for a reality show, but for any TV show ever. I’m referring to the new program planned for TBS, “The Real Gilligan’s Island.” Yes, I know what you’re thinking: The other “Gilligan’s Island” wasn’t real?
No, apparently those people were actors, who selflessly never worked again in order to preserve the Gilligan’s Island illusion. (Well, except for those reunion movies where they were rescued, and then stranded again, and then rescued again, and then started an island resort, and then hosted a basketball game between the Harlem Globetrotters and a team of robots. Man, I used to have way too much free time.)
Not that the original series didn’t have a few shortcomings. Much has been said about the unlikely nature of certain plot points, such as the fact that the professor could make a radio out of coconuts but couldn’t figure out how to build a raft. But questions like that lose sight of a more overarching dilemma, namely, how seven people this stupid managed not to drown in the lagoon five minutes into Episode 1.
Of course, I’m assuming that because of the liability issues involved with shipwrecking seven people barely intelligent enough to feed themselves, the cast of “The Real Gilligan’s Island” will be smarter. Sort of in that same way Paris Hilton is smarter than her television precursor, the pig from “Green Acres.”
Still, even with smart people the new show is bound to be great, since producers plan to recycle actual plot points from the original production. The mind reels: One can only imagine what the “real” Skipper will do when the Howells throw a cotillion and accidentally misplace his invitation. That should make Sue’s speech about the snake and the rat on season one of “Survivor” sound like the “Ode to Joy.”
Or what about when the “real” castaways are convinced to put on a musical version of “Hamlet” for a sneaky Hollywood director, played by the late Phil Silvers? Or when they’re kidnapped by a mad scientist who transfers their brains into each other’s bodies? Bet you won’t be seeing that on “Trading Spaces”!
I also assume, these being real people — inasmuch as a person who is on TV pretending to be Gilligan can be considered “real” — that the new series will go in a few directions that the old one didn’t. For instance, isn’t it odd that a certain something never happened when three of the castaways were single men and two of the castaways were young, beautiful women? Yes, I’m talking about … a beauty pageant! Oh wait, that’s right — Episode 38.
What I’m truly hoping, though, is that the success of “The Real Gilligan’s Island” will lead to even more reality TV versions of classic shows. I’m thinking specifically of:
· “The Real A-Team,” where four, say, accountants are heavily armed and forced to perform dangerous stunts while being pursued by the federal government.
· “The Real Dr. Kildare,” where everyday people have the chance to perform delicate surgical procedures (“Wait, is that a spleen?”).
· “The Real Holmes and Yo-Yo,” where … Oh, come on — you remember “Holmes and Yo-Yo,” about the cop who gets saddled with a robot for a partner, but then learns to begrudgingly respect him? What were you doing during the ’70s, reading?
Meanwhile, the only thing that could possibly make “The Real Gilligan’s Island” better would be if they expanded the cast beyond sailors, professors, millionaires, movie stars and farm girls. I’m thinking adding a columnist would make sense. So if you’re reading this, producers, think about it: I promise not to drown in the lagoon, at least not in Episode 1.
If I do, I’ll eat my maggot.