Time for Professionals
to Get Dolled Up
Turns out this company, called "Smartees," targets young girls who might typically play with Barbie dolls. As we all know by now, Barbie is considered an unrealistic role model for young girls, because studies have shown that if she were a real woman she’d be about 6-foot-2 and 95 pounds, 75 pounds of which would be her breasts. (These same studies also show that she’d be married to an 87-year-old billionaire.)
What the Smartees folks are doing is making dolls that will be better role models. These dolls have names like "Alexis the Architect," "Ashley the Attorney," "Destiny the Doctor," "Jessica the Journalist," "Madison the Marine Biologist" and "Nicole the Nurse." Wait a minute — "Jessica the Journalist"? How did she make the cut?
Anyway, I guess it’s a good idea, but it seems a little harsh on poor Barbie; after all, she’s about more than just fashion and beauty. She’s also about living in a Dream House, and driving around in that Barbie RV, and getting Hollywood Nails. OK, that last one’s about fashion and beauty, but still.
And tell me, is there a sadder sight than Barbie at the bottom of the toy box, invariably naked, lying limbs askew between Tickle Me Elmo and an old Wetsy Betsy? That’s neither fashionable nor beauteous.
It may be true, though, that Barbie doesn’t have the brains to be a doctor or a marine biologist — and I can only imagine how a conversation between Barbie and, say, Ashley the Attorney might go:
Ashley: "I specialized in foreclosures and debtor relations at Stanford, but since then I’ve branched out into intellectual property issues, primarily biotechnology and communications."
Barbie: "My breasts are huge!"
And Barbie would of course be right. However, the Smartees dolls are no slouches themselves. They may not have measurements that defy all known physics laws, but they’re still knockouts, albeit eerily similar-looking — sort of like identical overachieving sextuplets.
If they really want to make these dolls good role models, they should probably make them look like actual women. I won’t get myself into trouble by describing what that would entail, other than to say that most women I know don’t have flawless skin, perfectly plucked eyebrows and crystal blue eyes that look like they’ve been grafted onto them from an extremely attractive cow.
Regardless, "Smartees" may be an idea whose time has come. And if these dolls take off, who knows — a line of male dolls might be next. These could also aim at raising girls’ self-esteem by depicting guys as the losers most women know them to be; what little girl wouldn’t want to own "Steve the Sexist Pig," "Dan the Deadbeat Dad" or "Gary, the Guy Who Said He’d Call."
Still, I think it’s selling girls short to assume they need specially tailored dolls to remind them that they can be doctors and lawyers, or even that a doll like Barbie might seriously hurt their self-image. After all, Cabbage Patch Dolls didn’t seem to do any harm, and studies have shown that if they were real people, they’d be grotesque mutant vegetables.
But I suppose giving girls the Smartees dolls certainly couldn’t hurt. After all, in the end Ashley the Attorney will probably wind up pretty much the same way as Barbie — naked and disheveled next to Elmo.
Of course, unlike Barbie, Ashley will probably see some serious punitive damages afterwards.