Mixing Dogs and
Art Isn't Kosher
But I've finally realized what my life is really missing — a cause. A stand to take. Something to fight for. With that in mind, I've picked the following issue to begin lobbying for immediately: Keeping dogs out of performance art.
That's right, you can keep all that "Feed the World" stuff — it's about time someone stood up for the rights of all those dogs who are forced to participate in performance art pieces involving cypress branches and pureed hot dogs. Don't laugh, Rover; it could happen to you.
I'm referring, of course, to the San Francisco performance artist who recently lay down naked on a cypress branch, had someone spread pureed hot dogs and flour all over him, and then had eight dogs brought in one by one to sniff him. Unless the Associated Press is just trying to mess with our heads, this apparently actually happened.
Now, there are several problems just with the concept of this particular piece of live artwork. To wit:
1) The nitrates in those hot dogs are very bad for you.
2) Why flour? Why not mustard?
3) Naked on a cypress branch — ouch!
Anyway, the trouble began when one of the dogs in question, an Akita named Hercules, came in for a sniffing session and, instead of limiting his activities to the olfactory realm, proceeded to take a chunk out of the artist's buttocks. That's right, everyone's a critic.
Now, what this incident says to me is that Michelangelo was right in his decision not to use a live dog on the ceiling of the Sistene Chapel. In short, if you want art involving canines, you should stick with "Dogs Playing Poker."
The AP quoted the bitten artist as saying he was trying to "explore the physical and psychological effects of human violence in modern society." In this case, the primary effect was the need for stitches in the artist's butt, thus reviving that age-old debate: No matter how bad the art is, does the artist ever deserve to be maimed?
The answer to that question is, obviously, yes. But in this case there is a bigger issue at hand, namely, should an innocent dog be made part of such a spectacle? I'm sure that poor Hercules will never be able to go near another wiener-smeared performance artist without suffering some psychological ill effects.
To keep such a thing from happening again, I'll be making a serious effort to ban dogs from taking part in performance art, particularly in San Francisco. (Somehow I can't see the average New Englander spreading hot dogs on himself to make a statement — let's face it, it's a waste of good franks.)
I do this partially to protect the artists themselves; I can safely say that had my and my wife's black Lab, Logan, been involved in this performance, all that remained of the hot dog man would have been the cypress branch — and maybe not even that. (I base this on Logan's recent reaction to a baked ham, which bordered on true love.)
But primarily, my goal is to prevent the exploitation of dogs who don't have any idea they're being used as part of some sort of artistic commentary. These dogs are bred to be companions, not performers; most of them don't even have agents.
So please, don't let your dogs take part in performance art, no matter how much they beg. While they're bound to be smitten with any guy who has hot dogs all over him, odds are they'd be just as happy with some kibble. Or, as in Logan's case, honey-baked pork products.
Me, I'll just take a few slices of pizza. Mmmmm ... That empty feeling is going away already.