Dems need to
reach for the stars
But they’re still not sure what went wrong. After all, John Kerry was so smart! So tall! He wrote that book on international crime! He was running against a man who, when he wasn’t invading foreign countries for no reason, was in danger of having his empty cavern of a cranium collapse under the weight of his own crinkly forehead!
What they’re missing, though, is the one major mistake that, in the end, caused their downfall. Yes, I’m talking about the fact that they chose to nominate … a politician. These days, the worst thing you can do if you want to win a political office is be a politician, particularly one with a political record. If California has taught us anything, it’s that the worst thing your opponent should be able to say about you is that you made one too many “Conan” movies.
I bring this up because, even though I don’t belong to a particular party, I definitely lean toward the liberal side of things. (At least until I find a way to make more than $200,000 a year, at which time I plan to hole myself up in the nearest country club and cling to my tax cut like Charlton Heston holding onto his Ruger Model 44 Carbine.) And if the Democrats are going to win in four years, I don’t think they’re going do it with Hillary Clinton — while incredibly popular in her own party, studies show that 86 percent of Mississippi residents, for instance, consider her to be Satan, the adversary of mankind.
With that in mind, following are a few more feasible, less politician-y potential candidates the Democrats may want to consider for 2008:
1) Ben Affleck. If you’re one of the dozen or so people who saw “Surviving Christmas,” you know that his acting career is now over, so politics is the next logical move. And maybe while he’s at it he can marry one of John Kerry’s daughters, so we’ll have a Kerry in the White House after all! (Then John Kerry can visit for holidays, which, let’s face it, is a lot easier than being president.)
2) Bruce Springsteen. If you watched any of the Kerry rallies on C-SPAN, you know this man can work a political crowd. In fact, the only downside was when he finished and Kerry came on … It was like going to a Springsteen concert and finding yourself at, well, a Kerry rally.
3) Leonardo DiCaprio: I can see the bumper stickers now: “I Saw ‘Titanic’ Nine Times When I Was 13 … and Now I Vote!”
4) Carole King. Her main problem would be selling herself to the NRA types … Maybe she could hold a press conference early in the campaign where she shoots at that cat from the cover of “Tapestry.”
5) Theo Epstein: Just think, not too long ago it looked like the Red Sox were never going to win again either.
On the other hand, I suppose if the Democrats did have to go with a politician, they could try to find somebody who was an expert on economic issues and foreign affairs and who stands out as an eloquent voice for fairness, justice and opportunity for every American — somebody like, say, Dick Gephardt.
Ha ha! No, seriously, Ben Affleck, we need you!