More tip-top tips
for clueless dads
Sure, raising kids was tough when they were babies, but I could usually outsmart them, or at least keep them distracted until they fell asleep. But now they’re 5 and almost 3, and just relying on them to conk out isn’t practical anymore — they’ve started to suspect that as soon as they nod off, we break out the tubs of ice cream and piles of toys we keep hidden from them during the day.
I wish I could tell you how to keep up with them, but if I knew that I wouldn’t be here writing this — I’d be on some pedestal somewhere being hailed as King of the Dads, with all the other fathers regaling me with cigars and free beer. Still, it seems that fathers could use some advice, even from me; at least, that’s what I take from the befuddled looks I see on their faces as they’re making the third trip to the souvenir stand at “Dragon Tales Live.”
So with that in mind, I offer up the following new Tips for Clueless Fathers:
1) Never tell them your real name. It took several months of repeated viewings, but eventually my daughter realized that I shared the same first name with a character from “Toy Story 2,” a certain “Stinky Pete.” This led to no end of hilarity in my household, particularly on the part of her younger brother; though he was barely speaking at the time, he immediately mastered the phrase “Stinky Pete” and walked around reciting it like a mantra — “Stinky Pete! Stinky Pete!” — to everybody we knew, and more than a few people we didn’t. So when your kids start asking you about your name, remember: It’s “Dad.” Just “Dad.”
2) It’s pointless to pretend that toys don’t exist. One of the best parts of your kids being babies is that you can convince them the entire world of play is contained in that stuffed musical caterpillar attached to the side of their crib. But somewhere around age 3 they develop “toydar,” when they somehow sense, for instance, that Barbie exists and that their world is incomplete if they don’t have every existing model, along with a fleet of Barbie convertibles for them to drive in. This happens spontaneously, like a jaguar sensing a wounded gazelle.
The key, then, is not to give in to every toy request. You may find this is easier if you never, ever take them to a Toys R Us, and when you drive by it pretend that it’s a furniture store.
3) Be brave. When your kids are really little, they approach pretty much everything — toys, insects, the wood-burning stove — with the same level of fearless curiosity. But when they get older they develop certain fears of things that you, as the dad, need to give the impression of having under control. For instance, if by the time your 5-year-old has yelled “BUG!” you’ve already let loose a little shriek and jumped on the kitchen table, that would be bad.
To establish that aura of control, you need to:
4) Take decisive action. I did this recently when I was driving my daughter home from ballet class and noticed, on the inside of the front windshield, an insect that looked not unlike a small black lobster with wings. Knowing that the minute my daughter spotted this creature there would be mayhem within the vehicle, I reached down, grabbed a shoe (every good parent’s car has at least one extra shoe in it), and, realizing I’d only get one shot, proceeded to wallop the thing with the approximate force of a hydraulic pile driver. The crisis was averted, but unfortunately I never could locate the carcass; I suspect I may have vaporized it.
5) They’ll never cease to amaze you. Somehow, with each new word they master or project they complete, or even every convincing argument they come up with for something you are dead set against, you still get that same mixture of pride and awe at how fast they’re growing up. And you get the impression that odds are, no matter how unsure you may be, they’ll probably turn out OK.
But still, don’t fall asleep before them — they might sell your stuff and buy Barbies.