Seeking to Make
More of Myself
This time the killjoys are out to stop human cloning. This despite the fact that there is a very important scientific reason for human cloning, which can be summed up as follows: Why not? Also, it’s vital that once science figures out how to do something that it goes ahead and does it right away, or else the grants tend to dry up.
The mastermind behind this latest plan to clone humans is Dr. Panayiotis Zavos, who told reporters in Italy last week that human cloning makes sense, now that "we have the technology to break the rules of nature." Reports that he followed up that statement with a maniacal "HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" have yet to be confirmed.
Zavos isn’t the only scientist who feels that nature shouldn’t get in the way of a good thing. One of his team members, Severino Antinori, is the doctor who helped a 62-year-old woman give birth last year, thus defying the biological truism that anyone old enough to have seen Frank, Dean and Sammy at the Sands is too old to be chugging after a toddler at "Gymboree."
Anyway, the cloning team is currently gathering volunteers who wish to be cloned. Basically anybody fits the criteria, as long as they’re healthy, patient and not too picky about small details, like number of heads.
So with volunteers at hand and scientists to do the work, all that’s holding things up is those pesky ethicists — for some reason they think that just because a procedure could result in a grotesque parody of a human being, you shouldn’t try it. It’s flawed thinking like that that’s kept science from creating human life from common household bacteria.
Granted, the ethicists do make some interesting points. For instance, some have questioned whether the clone would have a soul. And also, if it did, would it be constantly jockeying with the original soul for the same dinner reservations once it got to heaven? (Wait — I think Larry King actually asked that second one.)
Some scientists also have concerns. Several have pointed out that the cloning of Dolly the sheep, the first successfully cloned mammal, took 277 attempts. However, it’s worth noting that the final product was delicious.
Those in charge of the cloning team, though, say people have nothing to worry about. "Some people say we are going to clone the world, but this isn’t true," said Antinori. Admittedly, that’s a relief, because there are a lot of people whom we don’t need another copy of — David Arquette comes to mind.
Still, it’s good that many people haven’t let the ethicists get to them; close to 700 couples have already volunteered to be cloned. It’s refreshing to see that there are still couples out there so undaunted by the potential problems of a typical pregnancy that they’re willing to try one that could take 277 tries and result in a sheep.
In that vein, I’d like to offer myself up as a candidate for the cloning process. I’ve got a call in to my HMO to see if they’ll pay for it, although if they turned me down for that tummy tuck I doubt they’ll go for this.
Still, it would be great to have another version of myself in the world, primarily so I could give him helpful clues about what’s coming up. Like how at puberty his hair will start to grow straight out instead of down; or how that Slim Fast stuff is just not going to work for him; or how any attempts to learn how to play the trumpet would be ill-advised.
And since technology has given us the tools to do it, why shouldn’t I partake? As Dr. Antinori said, "We’re talking science, we’re not here to create a fuss."
Or to put it another way, "HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"