Child free? You must be kidding
To me, it says something that these people have enough time and energy to actually form a movement. The only movement parents are interested in are the crawling motions they make to their beds after the kids have finally been dragged forcefully into the fleeting world of sleep.
For the record, I bear no ill will toward anyone who decides not to have kids. In fact, I rather enjoy living vicariously through them — they tell me their stories of going out to bars and movies and to eat meals that don’t come with a little prize, and I find myself looking mistily into the distance, like Miss Havisham remembering her long-lost fiancée.
So I by no means want to disparage their life choices. But I do find it a little hard to take that these people have started forming support groups, where they meet at nice restaurants, share scintillating conversations and glare at people who’ve dared bring their kids to a public place, rather than leave them where they belong, namely, locked in the basement with the ooglie-booglies.
The irony is that the very fact they’re able to gather for these nice, leisurely support group meetings already puts them at an advantage over parents, who would love to glare at people in restaurants but either can’t find a babysitter, or are too busy trying to keep their toddlers from sending their highchairs into orbit. Still, in an effort not to downplay their concerns, I thought it would be a good idea to thoughtfully consider them, one by one, in between diaper changes:
1) The child-free say parents have an advantage at work; for instance, mothers get to take maternity leaves. Of course, they also have to push a 9-pound baby out of their bodies, which seems like a decent trade-off. If someone told me I could get some extra vacation if I would just force a cantaloupe through my sinus cavity, I think I’d just stay at work, thanks.
They also say parents are asked to do less at work, but that’s not preferential treatment — it’s just good business sense. For instance, don’t you think the surgeon who hasn’t spent the last three years watching “Wiggles” videos would be less likely to leave a retractor inside your sternum?
2) Parents get extra tax deductions. This is true, but if Bush is around long enough he’ll probably start giving tax breaks to people who just own plants. And not even live ones, necessarily.
3) The purposely child-free are never portrayed positively in books and movies. Well, that’s only because they’re heartless sociopaths.
Ha ha! I kid my childless brethren. Clearly they’re on to something, because developers are creating more and more houses and apartments too small for families with kids. Towns love these since they bring in tax revenues without burdening the schools — because we all know if there’s anything that burdens a school, it’s those pesky children who need to be taught things.
Still, I hope we don’t have to worry that this movement will catch on. After all, without kids eventually there also wouldn’t be any adults, and the squirrels would finally take over. Beyond that, though, children really are amazing creatures; I know I wouldn’t give up being a dad for any amount of scintillating conversation, for reasons someone who’s chosen not to have kids probably wouldn’t understand.
But if you’d like me to try to explain, feel free to look me up. I’ll be the guy wearing the oatmeal.