A Presidential Bid
Is In The Stars
In reality, the best way to pick a candidate is to figure out who got the best celebrity endorsements. That’s because celebrities are known for their keen analytical skills and attention to detail — for instance, I’m sure Uma Thurman chose to support John Kerry with the same cogent consideration she gave to playing a killer plant-woman in “Batman & Robin.”
Still, it’s difficult to determine which candidate’s celebrity following is strongest, given how spread out star support is this time around. (Unlike with, say, Bill Clinton, who in 1992 was endorsed by every living celebrity and even some dead ones, all operating under strict orders from Barbra Streisand.)
First there’s Dean, who’s garnered public support from the likes of Martin Sheen and Susan Sarandon, two respected actors who are currently seeking court injunctions to keep Republicans from legally watching their movies. Unfortunately, Dean also made the mistake of getting endorsed by politicians like Al Gore and Sen. Tom Harkin; nobody trusts politicians.
Clark, meanwhile, has garnered celebrity nods from such diverse superstars as Ted Danson, Madonna and liberal documentarian Michael Moore, a feat made even more impressive by the fact that Clark may still turn out to be a Republican. It makes you want to attend some Clark rallies on the off chance you can be at the one where Michael Moore finally implodes, or Madonna winds up making out with Mary Steenburgen.
As for Kerry, I’ll admit I’m surprised he’s done as well as he has, given that his most prominent celebrity backer has been … Carole King? She’s not exactly at the forefront of the public consciousness lately — I mean, that cat from the cover of “Tapestry” probably finished the last of its nine lives sometime during the Nixon administration.
Then there’s poor John Edwards; until recently, the only celebrity endorsement he’d racked up was from Hootie and the Blowfish, who were cool for about 20 minutes in 1995; that’s like getting the official support of the “Rachel” haircut. Recently, though, Glenn Close has also gotten behind Edwards, making him the only candidate with the public backing of someone best remembered for boiling a live rabbit.
But despite the stiff competition for celebrity backers, there are actually people who claim voters don’t really care what celebrities have to say about the candidates. In fact, Bruce Cain of the University of California at Berkeley told the Associated Press he estimates only about 25 percent of voters are influenced by star endorsements, and describes them as “less-informed people.” To which I take great offense; I happen to be extremely well informed, just not about topics that aren’t covered in US magazine.
I’m also informed enough to know that President Bush has lined up his own celebrity heavy hitters, like Bruce Willis and Arnold Schwarzenegger. To counter that kind of star power, whichever Democrat winds up running better make sure he can out-debate Bush on taxes, health care and national security.
Kidding again! They actually need to line up Sylvester Stallone, ASAP.