Other Presidents Want
a Piece of the Action
Well, you can only imagine how they feel now that a President Bush action figure is slated for release Sept. 15. But in the doll’s defense, President Bush is nothing if not a man of action, so it seems fitting that children should be able to act out scenarios in which action figure Bush starts wars, hands out tax cuts and lifts up plastic rocks in search of weapons of mass destruction. (As opposed to, say, a Gore doll, who would spend all his time yakking with Ken about Social Security.)
Blue Box Toys describes the figure this way: “Exacting in detail and fully equipped with authentic gear, this limited-edition action figure is a meticulous 1:6 scale recreation of the Commander-in-Chief.” How meticulous I don’t really want to know, but I’m figuring even a reasonable facsimile would be hanging in Al Franken’s closet with pins sticking out of it by Sept. 16.
Now, this may sound innocent enough, but my concern is that if this thing sells — and pre-orders are apparently piling up — you can only imagine who’s going to show up in next year’s holiday toy catalogues. For instance:
· Richard M. Nixon: “He is not a crook — but he is an action figure! (Now with real rubber jowls!) Eighteen minutes of tape not included.”
· Bill Clinton: “Equipped with adjustable waistline and Kung-Fu Grip handshake, this limited-edition action figure will delight presidential enthusiasts, and Barbra Streisand. Note: Please store separately from Barbie doll(s).”
· George Washington: “The father of our country will be the flagship of your toy box — with real wooden (plastic) teeth and tree-felling chop action! Powdered wig assortment sold separately.”
· Dwight D. Eisenhower: “You’ll like this ‘Ike,’ ready right out of the box for rockin’ Cold War conflict! Stalin sold separately.”
· William Taft: “Your presidential collection would not be complete without the big man himself, America’s girthiest leader. Includes plastic mutton!”
· Chester Arthur: “This limited-edition action figure features … Actually, even we have no idea what this guy did.”
OK, so maybe these aren’t actual action figures that you can go to the store and buy (yet). But the Bush one is real, reinforcing the idea that he’s the manliest president since Theodore Roosevelt strangled a lion on safari in the Belgian Congo, after shooting it.
And just to drive home the point, as the Bush figures get ready to hit the market, U.S. soldiers in Iraq have apparently started posting pictures of Saddam Hussein’s face superimposed — complete with rouge and blond hair — on Zsa Zsa Gabor’s body. In addition to illustrating that Bush is a simmering cauldron of machismo and Saddam is a rouge-wearing girly-man, it will infuriate Saddam loyalists, they say.
“The bad guys are going to be upset,” Lieutenant-Colonel Steve Russell told Reuters. “Which will make it easier for us to know who they are.” Unless of course they’re just appalled Zsa Zsa Gabor fans, but still, it’s an intriguing idea. In fact, Blue Box Toys may want to consider making “Zsa Zsa Saddam” its next big doll release.
Just keep it away from the Clinton figure.