Does Britney's Mother
Know About This?
I’ll admit that to this point I’ve followed Britney’s career only tangentially, and often used to get her confused with that other teen diva superstar, Christina Aguilera. However, a quick poll of my office confirms that the best way to tell them apart is to remember that Britney is the "less skanky" one. You may want to write that down for future reference.
Even though she may come in slightly lower on the skankometer than her compatriot, I’m still worried about Britney. She’s somehow gotten it into her head that being a famous pop singer requires wearing skimpy clothes and touching herself in public. And yet, Dinah Shore never did any of these things. It’s a mystery.
My concern escalated last Sunday during the Super Bowl halftime show, at which Britney wore an outfit that looked like it had been cobbled together from what’s left after a busy day of alterations at Milton’s. There were various garter-type straps, tight, low-cut pants and a vest that looked suspiciously like the one worn by the cartoon character Top Cat, except with breasts coming out of it.
Most curiously, she had what looked like a man’s sweat sock over one arm. I couldn’t help but wonder — whose foot did that come from? The thought bothered me so much I could barely eat my nachos.
Of course, Britney’s appearance was only one of many disturbing components of the halftime show, which also featured the pop sensation ’N Sync. After watching these boys closely, I’ve determined that they do not actually dance; rather, they jump. They do this in unison, like a group of transgender cheerleaders.
I’m wondering when jumping in unison became cool — when I was younger the only band that did it was Devo, the rock group voted most likely to get beaten up by other, cooler rock groups.
What really bothered me, though, was when Britney started bumping and grinding her bare navel against Aerosmith’s Steven Tyler during the big finale. It was repulsive on so many different levels — for one, he has children he doesn’t even know about who are older than she is.
Also, she’s a former Mouseketeer — if my memories of the reruns are correct, nobody ever exposed their navel on "The Mickey Mouse Club." Well, except for Spin and Marty occasionally, but I’m fairly sure they never danced suggestively with wrinkly old rock stars. Why? Because it was the 1950s and all the rock stars were young. But also, I suspect Walt would have had a cow.
Anyway, I’d ask that Britney look at some of those who went before her as an example of where her behavior could lead. For instance, no doubt Shelly Fabares felt like she was on top of the world when she had a hit record with "Johnny Angel." But where did she wind up? That’s right, co-starring on "Coach." A CRAIG T. NELSON show. There but for the grace of God, Britney!
More recently, there’s Madonna. Clearly she thought that dancing around half-naked would help her career, but where is she today? That’s right, she’s a billionaire. But did I mention about Shelly Fabares?
Maybe my concern about Britney stems from the fact that I now have a young daughter who may grow up wanting to emulate her. I’m working on a variety of responses for the day when Jackie tries to leave the house with her navel anywhere but buried beneath six layers of clothing, including a parka. I imagine the scene going something like this:
Jackie: Dad, is it OK if I go to the mall with my navel exposed?
Me: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIGGGGGGGGG! (faints)
Jackie: Thanks, Dad. Don’t wait up.
So Britney, please, if you’re reading this, please save me from ever having to live out that scene. From now on when you’re performing in front of a national television audience, try standing still, like that Charlotte Church does, and wearing a nice, loose-fitting turtleneck. Also, consider naming your next album, "Oops … I Studied Real Hard, Stayed Away From Boys And Am Now An Honors Student At Harvard."
Once you do that, I can start working on Christina Aguilera. That girl needs a lot of help.