Don't Blame Me --
Blame Your TV!
I know this because of a lawsuit a Wisconsin man has filed against his cable company, charging that TV has made his wife fat and turned his kids into “lazy channel surfers.” As opposed to the energetic, go-getter channel surfers we all hope our kids might become.
The man argues the cable company is completely at fault, because it didn’t disconnect his cable after he cancelled service, thereby forcing his family to watch four years of free TV. “I believe the reason that I smoke and drink every day and my wife is overweight is because we watched TV every day for the last four years,” Ananova reports him as stating. And though he doesn’t mention it specifically, it may also have played a role in turning him into a moron.
Anyway, this lawsuit dovetails nicely with the other thing we’ve recently learned is TV’s fault, namely, mass sexual deviance and moral disintegration. Worst of all, TV caused this entirely in one fell swoop by broadcasting a split-second of Janet Jackson’s right bosom. (Luckily the FCC is launching a detailed investigation of the bosom in question, as soon as the investigators stop high-fiving each other and laughing like Beavis.)
Regardless, taken together, these developments are more than a little disconcerting. After all, how could TV go from a purveyor of wholesome family entertainment like “The Andy Griffith Show” (Oh, Otis, you amusing alcoholic!) to the device responsible for every fat, lazy sexual deviant in modern society?
I’d argue that one obvious culprit could be the onset of cable. To illustrate, witness this example of dialogue from a classic pre-cable situation comedy, “Welcome Back, Kotter.”
Barbarino: Hey, Epstein! Up your nose with a rubber hose!
Horshack: Haw, Haw, Haw!
Now granted, the exchange is cheeky, insouciant even, but in the end nothing more than a colorful illustration of the giddy energy possessed by teenagers as portrayed by actors in their late 20s. Now, by contrast, take a look at this dialogue from HBO’s “The Sopranos.”
Big Pussy: What the &%$#!, you fat &%$#!
Tony: (Blam! Blam! Blam!)
Big Pussy: &%$#!
Tony: (French kisses naked hooker.)
Let’s face it, if that scene had accidentally aired during the Super Bowl, it would have made Janet Jackson’s breast look like Phyllis Schlafly.
Meanwhile, I figure if TV can be blamed for laziness, obesity, drunkenness, nicotine addiction, sexual deviance and moral turpitude, there are plenty of other things it must be responsible for, including but not limited to the economy, the prescription drug crisis and the war with Iraq. (All of which, interestingly, have recently been apologized for by Justin Timberlake.)
I suppose whether we’ll be able to get a handle on TV’s rampant disregard for our health and happiness may depend on the result of the Wisconsin lawsuit. But even if it fails, at least it will show that one man with an obese, sedentary family is standing up for what’s right, particularly as evidenced by his primary demand for compensation should he win: free Internet service for life.
That should fix everything.