When Good Toys
Go Bad
Yes, it’s the time of year when groups like MassPIRG release their annual lists of dangerous toys, at which time we find out that each and every toy manufacturer is the long-nosed guy with the net from “Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.” Apparently, toy store shelves couldn’t be any more dangerous to your children if they fell on them.
Of course the media is very fond of reporting about these lists, because nothing makes for a better holiday story than one about potential ways for people to be maimed or killed. With the possible exception of stories about people who have actually been maimed or killed.
But one look at the list of dangerous toys and you’re sure to see where they’re coming from. Take the “the water yo?yo ball;” this is ostensibly a type of yo-yo, but looks like its only possible purpose is to act as a medieval mace-like device. In fact, the box should just read “Medieval Mace — Bonk Your Sister!” (I know if my son got his hands on this thing, our living room would look like Sherman had just marched through it on his way to the sea.)
Then there’s an item that I actually have in my home, the Fisher-Price Learn Through Music system. Apparently this toy is so loud it can actually hurt children’s ears, which would explain why I spent the first week of its existence in our house searching in vain for a volume knob, before installing my own, with a hammer. (I challenge you to do otherwise after a week of listening to Elmo yell “FROG STARTS WITH F!” at the approximate volume of a Boeing 737.)
You’d think toy companies would have learned their lesson after Riviton, the toy at the center of the first major industry recall 25 years ago. This was a toy consisting of little rivets and a rivet gun. Now, I’m no toy maker, but it seems to me that even in 1978, the minute the words “rivet gun” came up at a brainstorming session it was time for everyone to take a Valium and think of another Smurf character.
Instead the toys continue to be dangerous, and looking at these lists has made me cast a jaundiced eye at all our toys, not just the ones with pointy parts that I always seem to be stepping on in my bare feet while carrying trays of Jell-O (don’t ask). For instance:
· Kiddie makeup. In addition to being potentially toxic, studies show excessive use can lead to big hair, body piercing and premature trampiness.
· Candyland. This board game for preschoolers may seem innocent enough, until you consider that getting sent from the Molasses Swamp back to the Peppermint Forest can turn even the most mild?mannered youngster into a tiny, frightening ball of rage.
· My Little Baby in Pink. Sure, it seems like a soft, cuddly baby doll, but it can cause serious damage if shoved far enough up a car’s tailpipe.
· Baby’s First Ginsu Knives. I’m sure this is coming.
It’s daunting, but I guess the best we can do is to be vigilant parents and closely examine all toys before allowing our kids to play with them. Either that, or go with the room full of pillows.
If it means there’s even a chance of them falling asleep earlier, I’m for that one.