Creature Comforts
Hard to Come By
It just seems to me that squirrels existed for millions of years without any type of contraception and yet managed to produce just the right number of baby squirrels. Then we come along and decide we’re going to "fix" the squirrel problem, like we do every time we build a house where an animal used to live. Seems to me we should be the ones using more contraception.
Granted, at first the animals don’t mind when humans move into their neighborhoods, since they (the humans) tend to introduce certain useful things into their environment that are only occasionally found in nature, like Ring Dings. But one day they (the animals) go out to gather nuts, and instead of nuts they find a Home Depot. That’s when they know it’s time to worry.
Take the case of the elderly Chelmsford woman who was recently attacked by an alligator near her winter home in Florida. What happened to this woman was horrible, but also disturbing is the fact that people have chosen, of their own free will, to live somewhere where you can reach down for your hedge shears and instead find a 16-foot killer reptile. Say what you want about New England winters, they don’t tend to bite your arm off.
Now, in that case the alligator was just doing what alligators do, namely, stalk elderly gardeners, and for his trouble he was shot and sliced open. This should be a lesson to all alligators: The minute they put condos in your area it’s time to move, because it’s only a matter of time before someone finds an excuse to shoot you and slice you open. Actually, that’s good advice for anybody.
On a smaller scale than condos full of alligators is the situation in Wenham where, like in many towns before it, some pesky beavers are damming waterways and causing sewage backups. This is a problem, because most people in Wenham, when they bought their $500,000-plus homes, were probably counting on not seeing any sewage. People in Wenham don’t like to think they even create sewage.
Unfortunately, there are very few ways to get beavers to stop making dams, which is basically their only form of entertainment — it’s like beaver mahjong. That’s why the locals might have to apply for an "emergency permit" for "immediate alleviation of the threat circumstances." Just to clarify, this means, "permission to do to the beavers what Tony did to Ralphie on ‘The Sopranos.’" Expect beaver heads in little bowling bags all over the North Shore.
To me that hardly seems fair, given that the beavers were here first — just like the squirrels, the alligators and all those other displaced animals, like deer who go out for a stroll and come home on the grill of a Chevy Blazer. You scoff, but if we’re not careful, mark my words: These animals are going to wise up and find a way to get us off of their land. Perhaps by running for local zoning boards and outlawing residential housing, or eating us.
Not to mention the contraceptive option. If you spot a squirrel trying to slip something in your Ring Ding, watch out.